Adulteress
The crescent mirror over the bed
reflects the light of its sister
through parted curtains and
in a flash of luminescence
slices the sleeper
in two.
Guillotined and guilty,
still writhing and riding
a memory of her lover,
she is slaughtered.
Stains seep silently,
soak the marital altar.
Secrets are secreted,
all - consuming crimson.
She weeps a solitary tear,
not of shame but sorrow,
for those who choose
to stone instead of love.
Her soft soul, yet raw,
resurrects to a new dawn.
I wrote this poem some time ago. There are several variations, even one in a crescent moon shape which my writing group wanted but which I dislike. I still haven't decided on a final version.
Having recently watched Jeremy Paxman's BBC series on The Victorians I was introduced to the art of the period The painting is by George Frederic Watts Found Drowned (c.1849-50)
2 comments:
Suzi: I like this. The first thing that intrigues me in this poem is the moment that you have chosen to bring to life, this moment of regret in the aftermath, but, at the same time, when the subject is still carried on the wave of the sensual experience, words sliced open and spilled by the near edge of longing. It seems to me that her riven state is the true subject of the poem, and you evoke that well.
I like the first section. It is wise, I think, starting with the moon, always associated with love and lovers, and easing the focus onto the sleeper. Though, of course, it isn’t really the moon we start with, but the reflection of the moon in the mirror over the bed, not heavenly love, but its troubled and problematic earthly embodiment. I love the way the first section comes to rest on the short line, “in two.” She is cut in two by more than the moonlight: by right and wrong, by responsibility and desire, by warring drives toward two men, perhaps?
“Guillotined and guilty, / still writhing and riding” --- these pairs of alliterating consonants continue the theme of doubling from section one, of the adulteress’s split against herself. Very effective, the idea of the marital bed that has been turned into an altar, something sacrificial. “Holy matrimony,” of course, but also subject to pain and tearing and tears.
I love the ending. Her soul “resurrects to a new dawn.” Raw and soft, it reminds me somehow of a butterfly emerging from a cocoon, as if having been cocooned in the night, and all that has happened in the night, she emerges as a new person.
All good.
Could I make some suggestions for revising? It seems to me that the impact of the poem is a bit weakened by unneeded words, by spelling out some ideas that are already implied. I see the skeleton of a very strong poem here, and I believe some paring away would reveal its power.
Section one, I think “reflection,” “flash,” and “luminescence,” “light” are to some extent repeating the same ideas. This could be made more concise.
Section two, “she is slaughterd. / Stains seep silently, / soak the marital altar. / Secrets are secreted, / all-consuming crimson.” I like this idea a lot, as I said above, but I wonder if there isn’t simply too much alliteration on these S’s.
Section three. “She weeps a solitary tear, / not of shame but sorrow, / for those who choose / to stone instead of love.” These are my least favorite lines in the poem. It seems to me that here you, the poet, are stepping into the poem to tell a reader what to think, instead of letting image and language do the work they are quite capable of doing.
I don’t mean to tell you how to write, but what do you think of this:
*
Adulteress
The crescent mirror over the bed
reflects its sister
through parted curtains, and
its light slices the sleeper
in two.
Guillotined and guilty,
still writhing and riding
a memory of her lover,
she is slaughtered.
Stains soak the marital altar.
Raw and soft,
she resurrects to a new dawn.
*
This is a long comment, and I hope I haven’t overdone it :-)
But you understand, I know, that this is just the opinion of one questionably-informed reader, and I offer it only for what you might think it is worth. After all, it is your poem, and I wouldn’t be interested in the revision unless I were impressed with it to begin with.
Look forward to more from you!
Wow thank you James for taking the time to give such good feedback. Much appreciated and of course you are absolutely right, it needs paring down to its essentials. This is something I still struggle with and am learning to do. This poem was one of those where the ideas came almost complete in the middle of the night and I simply got up and wrote them down. I have not been emotionally distant enough to make the 'cuts' yet although I was well aware it was not finished. I shall give all your suggestions much thought. My writers group is full of novelists and short story writers and there are no serious poets unfortunately.
Thanks again.
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